Question: As salam, saya terdetik untuk bertanya di ruangan ini because I think I need to seek help & solutions for my issues now.
I am 29yrs old, an engineer and have two daughters. One is 3yrs old & another is 1yr old.
When I delivered my first daughter, I was still working in Sabah and I brought her with me. My husband works in KL. So I was a single working mother alone in Sabah. I’m aware that the fact that the first daughter was brought up in quite a lonely environment, rarely meeting up with families & relatives, she had developed an attached behavior, and of course at that time I only had her around so I too gave my all to her and I’m trying really hard on positive parenting methods. It worked on her, but only before she had her lil sister. And btw too, because of the distance & rarely meeting up she does not want her father at all. And she does not go well with the others too. Only me,
After I delivered my 2nd daughter, I managed to get transferred back to KL, Alhamdulillah. For the first few months, we were okay. We welcomed her in daily activities with her lil sister & all. But a few couple of months ago, the youngest daughter started walking & demanding, developing well masyaAllah BUT the only problem is both of them demanded me.
Both will throw the tantrum when I was with the other. It is especially hard because I am still breastfeeding and it got especially worst during the sleeptime. I have to breastfeed the little sister & even after talking to the elder sister numerous times & explaining the whole situation to her, whenever I was just at the next bed nursing the sister, the eldest would throwing tantrum demanding me to sleep with her.
So obviously slowly, I started to get stressed out and now I have started to yell at her (or them in fact), instead of slow talk & doing things together I now mengarah2 her to clean up her toys and all, all the bad mum would do I do it now, and worst yes I admit I had even crossed the boundaries to actually hit her. Just because I needed the situation to stop.
I know all of these are wrong. That is why Im seeking help. I just do not know hat to do anymore, I grow tired everyday and my patience are really on its limit sometimes (which is totally my personal problem)
It really hits me everynight that I had to yell at her, let her slept after tired of crying & shouting because I was nursing the lil sis. Even if I stopped nursing for a while to soothe her, the little one will get so tantrumy even at such young age (must be the effect of me being moody because the first one never threw tantrum when I was positive last time)
It really hits me, really. I do not like these situations at all, what should i do? I am slowly turning from a good mum to a beast, really. Please help me. (Raieza)
Answer: It sounds like you are an overly-stressed mother. Perhaps these questions can help you to reflect and understand the issues better:
- Why is your eldest is behaving that way, demanding for you. What is the meaning of her behaviour, what is her unmet needs? What are her emotional needs that you are not providing? Are you and your husband providing enough quality time for the children?
- What kind of practical support you should and can get from your family and friends? 3. How good are you in stress and time management? Are you looking after yourself well? Do you have time for yourself? In every behaviour of a child- there is a meaning behind it. You children may be upset because they can sense that you are not coping emotionally. The more upset you are, the more difficult the behaviour can be. It’s like a vicious cycle. We have to break this cycle, as you said – you don’t like these situations.
Some suggestions:
- Have you discussed or talked about this with the father of your children? Can he help? By taking turns, mummy is with kakak and daddy is with adik; and swap. Parenting is a team effort. Both mum and dad need to be involved.
- Both parents need to make an active effort to spend quality time with children – don’t get distracted with our handphones, our work. It can wait, but our children can’t. They will grow up so fast without us realising it. The first five years of life is a very important phase to form a basis of good relationship with them. Try spending exclusive time with each of your children. Play with them, provide them the attention they need, talk to them, enjoy their company.
- Get some time for yourself. Do what you enjoy doing without the presence of the children. This will help in restoring your emotional wellbeing. A happy mother will provide best for the children.
- When you find yourself getting upset and irritable, calm down. Remember: they are children, and we are the adults. We are supposed to have a better control of ourselves. Always check and reflect our own feelings – as it can and will affect our children.
- Please try NOT to threaten our children e.g. “If you don’t stop crying, I will leave you” or “If you don’t keep your toys away, mummy won’t love you anymore’. These are real threats to our small children. Rephrase. 5. Nobody is born with perfect parenting skills.
We can learn by reading about parenting, asking or talking to our friends/ parents and learn from our difficulties. For further reading, please refer to https://www.doktorbudak.com/2013/11/20/582/ https://www.doktorbudak.com/2014/01/26/sibling-rivalry-persaingan-di-antara-adik-beradik/ All the best!